Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
