Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
