You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
