At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
