He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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