they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We left the knife in your bed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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