dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
