nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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