Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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