y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
