I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Is it because I queefed?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
