question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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