Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
