After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
