I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
