just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
