I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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