Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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