It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
