I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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