i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
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the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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