since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
