Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
