I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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