using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
