i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
