it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
