i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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