I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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