sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
