On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
