Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
