And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
