When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
