Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
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I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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