I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i think i just lost a toe
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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