It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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