dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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