I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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