she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
