Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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