the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
