and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
