i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
