I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
