I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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