I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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