i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
