he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
