Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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