i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
