i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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