Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
