I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
