I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
