So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Let's paint friendship bongs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
